so what am i doing

so what am i doing? my wife asked me last night if i still think of myself as a christian. yeah i do, but you can't really tell. especially by my personal time. i'm actually almost over my non-belief stage and just in a stage of complete uninterest. the bible just doesn't interest me like it used to. and i know the answer to that is to just read it.

why is it when we fall away from God we often are able to keep outward appearances (for the most part) up to scratch. we're all SO afraid of being seen to be non-christian but don't really have a problem pretending to be 'better' than we are.

and why do i always feel a need to be abrasive to christian concepts? i for whatever reason always feel the need to question people and generally be distracting. now i don't want to make people uninterested in God, i guess often i just want people to think more and listen less. christians as a whole tend to be very sheepy, but more so when it comes to preachers and not Jesus. so many christians will spout out things like "Jesus would rather have a sinning Andrew than no Andrew at all" but where do they get this information? do they have a special internet-connection with God that we don't because that stuff sure as hell certainly isn't in the Bible which is the only SURE thing God gave us. but irrespective of that why do i feel the need to bring up stuff like that. or bring up drugs or other edgy comments. part of me has some amount of disdane for the current state of the church and where it gets its morals from but the other half agrees with them. oh what am i doing